First blog, first load of useless tripe that supposed to help, since apparently writing is cathartic and does that whole "getting it off your chest" thing.
Personally I call it a load of shit.
So, Tuesday was my birthday, I got older. Now I actually feel old, not just a single digit up. Didn't make a big fuss of it, I never got the whole "Wow, I got older, lets go get smashed" concept.
To be honest, it was a shit year anyway. Mom dies before I hit 21 and that's a wrap on the rest of the year. Didn't stick around at the hospital, oh no! Gotta get to rehersal, do a show, anything to not deal with it. Then I had to deal with it. The house never felt so damn empty, I just expect her to walk through the door like always, shopping bags and work uniform, like I took for granted all my life.
I remember walking out of the hospital and looking at all the other patients thinking "They all deserve to die."
Wondered forever if that makes me a bad person, then figured I didn't actually care if it did.
Gotta be honest though, everyone was so damn understanding about the whole thing. The KAOS lot, my friends, people I'd never met...all of them so caring and understanding and sorry. Sorry for what I'm not sure. My loss, I would guess.
So Uni went to hell right after that, so I'm retaking my final year. Even my group-project pals from last year were supportive. Picked up my slack. Named a cat after me. Crazy people, crazy times.
So, recently fucked up big time, and I can't even go into details on my own blog, since Big brother is prob's watching me or scanning for keywords and putting fuel in the Party Van. Internet censorship can eat shit and die, the system already has us ball-gagged and our collective love-nuts in a jar under the sink.
Suffice to say, timing was less than ideal, and even though I'll wait as long as it takes...I don't know if the second party will even talk to me. Heartbroken.
This catharsis crap isn't working, but I'm gonna keep blogging, because apparently that's what normal people do, they blog and pretend it has some relevance or that someone out there cares enough to read it. Like people don't have enough problems in their lives to subscribe to my own brand of nonsense. I did always want a blog though. Should be fun.
